Ocean waves blue,
Sky is too,
Written at Petiscos do ‘I forget’,
23rd October 2024,
Sesimbra, Portugal

Dear Love,

Today I was feeling particularly lonely.

I went for a walk as I do. then I took a swim in the ocean. Incredible isn’t it. Bu yet, that feeling that holds on, that kind of loneliness for life that is nearly impossible to satiate wrapped around me

It is so unpleasant.

But there it is sinking into me. Paradoxically, I feel so light today almost too light that I keep wanting to be grounded or anchored, tied to something or someone. This lightness has been almost too much to bare as well. There is a purification taking place.

Sometimes I walk in circles, don’t know where I want to go, don’t know where I want to sit, so I meander, I turn like an animal searching for a spot to lie down.

Now I know if I just distract myself long enough this feeling would go away as it does, but it didn’t want to go away and I didn’t want it to leave until it was through with me. So there I was walking, feeling the loneliness of my moment, passing people in the street, the breeze passing by me, and as I walked by the Indian restaurant a fly buzzed my face. I continued on toward one of my favorite writing spots.

There was a dog sitting outside tethered to a woman, a very kind woman. I said hello then entered the petiscos,, there was great music playing, always 80’s, I think the owner is a drummer. Rosanna on the audio system, war on the television, contradictions everywhere.

I ordered a coffee then headed outside.

A fly landed on my face as I sat down at the table.

I laughed as I accepted this little gesture of life touching me, a miniature hug and some gift left on my nose. One of my Buddhist teachers spoke of her affection for the little creatures that visit her during her solo retreats, her affection increasing as her time in retreat increases. We get company everywhere.

It’s a gesture of kindness how a little thing like that can wake you up. So with gratitude, I watched the feelings and my own aversion to those feelings of loneliness that can’t be satiated, that just are. I think it carries death with it, whatever death is.

Meanwhile on the street which you can see in the photo, a woman walks her mother home, two older women, one much older barely moving but moving well enough and her daughter 70 or so years, looking good.

There are many older women in my view today, a few with their heads bobbing in and out of their windows, three right in front of me hanging their laundry.

Loneliness…

I once had a brief friendship with a woman, who was so lonely that when things were not going the way she wanted between us, that in her last message to me, she wished me to feel such loneliness that my face melted. I wish I kept that message. The last sentence said, ‘but I still appreciate you’. That’s a funny kind of love.

God how I understood her, felt her, even wished to console her as a friend but she didn’t want a friend.

It is curious, that because I am me, most people I know think I haven’t experienced the kind of loneliness that steals years of life from you. But I have. I suppose it is one of the reasons why I wasn’t disturbed by her wish for me to experience the despair of loneliness, instead I empathized with her, perhaps she has yet to come to know that what she was feeling never truly leaves, we are all consumed by the ‘eternal loneliness’.

Perhaps that is also the key to liberation in life, to recognize what is and isn’t and to still play the game in spite of the knowing.

Happiness, loneliness, joy and despair, similar lovers, tangled affairs…

If loneliness exists then its opposite must exist too. Whatever that may be…

Curiously, I can’t think of an antonym for loneliness; none of the words that come to mind are truly not loneliness.

Moving through space and time…

Maybe that is one of the gifts of getting older, you remember sooner than later that your feelings will pass, that none of them are real, that you aren’t your feelings. That your desire not to feel what you feel causes more suffering than simply being with the feelings or allowing them to dissipate as they do. Well, I understood that ages ago, before I was ‘getting older’, so that is a bit of a lie. Consolation, perhaps…

Many of these feelings, if understood, are signs of purification, they are positive movements of understanding, of clarifying the true nature of the mind. It’s one of the gifts of your agitations. That I have come to realize with age.

Unfortunately most people can’t take the facing so they turn toward distractions and that doesn’t assist in the realization, which is understandable as well. It’s a long process. Circular suffering is circular until you see it and then use it for what it can be used for. I like circles.

Laughing while crying!

All so magnificently human…

I want to share with you this point one more time, your attitude toward your suffering can transform the suffering. Maybe that is why people often misinterpret my suffering as being non-existent, when in fact, I am simply interpreting it differently than most.

For me, it is a sign of progress. This is true alchemy.

While I am sitting here writing these words to you, a wonderfully wrinkled woman walked out of her door, stepping past the floating laundry that hangs from her window. And as we smiled at each other I said, “O dia está lindo, é maravilhoso. The day is beautiful; it is marvelous.” She smiled at me and pointed her finger waving it like a magic wand and said, “Sim, é verdade, e amanhã vai ser ainda melhor. Yes it is true, and tomorrow is going to be even better”.

Magic, everywhere…

Emeric Damian

www.EmericDamian.com/love-romp

p.s. I was thinking about how wonderful life is, how beautiful it is and then a stranger I said hello to as I entered the cafe came and joined me.

He invited himself to sit at my table and I accepted. He asked where I was from. I said Los Angeles. Everyone gets excited when I use that answer, even though I was actually born in Santa Monica, and only there for the first year of life. We spoke English – Portuguese. He told me of his familial challenges. He said he trusted my eyes. He told me how he wished his sister in-law an unbecoming ending. I didn’t trust his eyes but I trusted my understanding of his words. Even if I wanted to be alone, the fly, the man, the lady…

Later that evening, while I was walking, a character who often sits on the beach wall at night, whom I say hello to, said to me as I passed, “Só sozinho?”. I laughed as I said, “sempre”.

Só sozinho, “Always alone”…

Sempre, “Always”…

Oh how the universe speaks to you. “Why did he say such a thing at this particular moment in time, on this evening, of this kind of day?”

You are never alone even when you are; it is somehow of you as you are of it, life.

And as for today, the tomorrow the woman spoke of, it too is an incredible day, even more beautiful than the other though both equally beautiful as the last.

Stay sexy, beautiful, as beautiful as you are as you are all of it too, life breathing itself into and for you.

An Undisclosed Café
Sesimbra Portugal,
A Wednesday,

Dear Love,

Some days are just made to be silly.

You know I haven’t had any Coke for 20 years or more.

I’m just not a big fan of soda pop

But here I am in Sesimbra at an undisclosed location, sweaty hot day.

“Que forno”… Like being in an oven ( what an oven ). .

The writing was flowing, hours sitting at the keyboard and I was done looking at anything non organic.

I closed my computer and decided I would have a Coca Cola.

Now I’m not drinking alcohol right now but I thought about how nice a glass of Vinho Verde would be today, but I really didn’t like the idea of alcohol.

It was the idea of it that was attractive to me.

To the counter I went to order my drink.

The main bar lady was out having a cigarette so the manager asked me what I’d like and there it was falling out of my mouth, in Portuguese but in English here for you, “I’d like a Coca Cola with a slice of lemon.” She asked if I would like ice, which I accepted.

I took my coke can and my empty glass of ice with its solo slice of lemon outside to stare at the blue sky while listening to the seagulls and all the teenagers pass by as they leave the beach.

I’ve been thinking about this for sometime actually.

One of my friend girls who I don’t speak with too much any more, loved a coca cola on particular days. It was like a shot of life force for her.

You’d hear the opening of the can and then a moment later, before you took three breathes it was gone.

She made it look so good.

So I had been thinking about that for some time.

There I sat, pulling back the tab, sweaty and hot, enjoying the feeling of the cold glass in my hand as I poured the brown liquid into my glass.

To be honest the first few sips were kind of refreshing.

Sweet but weird.

You know in the U.S. the coke is made with high fructose corn syrup, so it was a special thing to get Mexican coke, which was made with sugar cane.

That always stayed with me, how the U.S. likes to put frivolous ingredients in everything. I think we believe the more ingredients listed in that 12 o.z. can the more value we are actually getting, as if 12 oz of three ingredients is not equal to 12 oz nineteen ingredients.

Anyways, I am sitting there half a glass in, as I pour the rest into my glass contemplating the flavor, the entirety of the scene, sitting on the steps, almost like I was in a commercial for soda in a red can.

But suddenly this soda started tasting gross to me, artificial.

Maybe that is why I stopped drinking soda eight thousand years ago.

I picked up the can and saw a bit of text that said, sem açucar, no sugar.

That was weird to me. It tasted sweet.

And as I turned the can over in my hand, I read Coke Zero.

What the…

Of course it would be the artificial version of Coca Cola that the lady gave me.

The universe loves to joke with us. Twenty years, not that I was abstaining from soda for any particular reason other than it’s not my favorite drink, yet…

I went inside and shared the humor and her first response was, “I don’t like coke,” and I said I don’t either.

She then apologized as she said she was a horrible bar girl, laughing. It’s true I thought.

She was sincerely apologetic, but of course she took my money, which I planned on paying anyway. My dad would have asked me that if he was listening to me retell this story, so I am preempting him.

Neither she nor I thought to look at the can to see that it wasn’t actually a Coca cola.

Life is silly isn’t it. I’m glad I hadn’t been waiting 20 years to have that one can of coca cola only be served a zero sugar artificial unacceptable replacement for the real thing.

Maybe there’s a life analogy in there somewhere as well.

Tomorrow, I am going to have the real thing somewhere on the beach or in a café.

One more thing.

Usually when things like this happen they don’t happen once, but come in groupings.

It was the case with this situation.

I will continue on in a few days or so with the absurdity that is the ‘mindless’ human. Me being one of them too.

You ever wonder why someone gives you sugar packets with your ice coffee?

Is that a riddle or… What kind of joke is that…

To absurd days and the simple things in life that perk your perspective,

Emeric

p.s. Why would I call my program on relationships something like Love Cheese?

Simple, talking about love is often silly and talking about self love is sillier than that. Besides, we are way to serious sometimes speaking about this difficult things, like other people.

Something about the ridiculous nature of laughing at what often isn’t laughable is so helpful, at least sometimes.

You can get a look here…

And if you have any questions or if you would like me to hold your hand through out let me know. I want you to have better relationships, especially with yourself.

www.EmericDamian.com/love-romp

The one and only program for opening your eyes and heart to the absurdity that is LOVE CHEESE and The Relationship Romp…

Café Spot Diving
Sesimbra Portugal
24th July 2024

Dear Love,

It’s noon and I sit in the diving mecca of Sesimbra, near the docks.

Tuesday and life is calm, after the weekend rush, a Monday and Tuesday feel like a Holiday from people.

Local characters sip coffee, fishermen unravel their lines from a night of fishing. Here in Portugal the fresh markets for fish are closed on Mondays because the fishermen are blessing the ocean with a day off.

That is a testament to the Portuguese and their love for the waters.

Of course I don’t mean to romanticize the Portuguese, because the same mass consumption of poor quality items exists here. In the big markets you can find everything all day everyday, even ‘fresh’ fish.

Nonetheless…

The traditions that live in the villages of Portugal and throughout spots in the cities mean so much to me.

Sometimes I think humans work so not to be alone, so to be with other human animals. That there is an exchange of money and time aren’t the necessity of life but a secondary reason for working..

Look at us humans with our need for relationships…

Searching…

8 years ago, at 3 a.m. in the morning, after a month and a half of visiting a friend in Portland Oregon, after moving around the west coast of the U.S. for some time, my heart hollered at me, “Go”.

Go where?

“Just go and let the rest unfold as it may. Pure unknowing…”

I packed my bag and took an Uber to the airport. The Uber driver with dreadlocks and electric music dripping through the windows picked me up and we were off, my heart and I.

No ticket, no destination, no idea…

It’s been 8 years this September that I have been in Portugal. Still without a knowing, still watching the unfolding, still participating in a life that feels so foreign and yet present.

I left my mind here and there in random places in Portugal, let it roam and experience other parts of my being, aspects of a self that would stay quiet, whispering in the background of my existence.

So many dreams have come and gone, many relationships, pleasant and confused, experiences of wild evenings on the streets of Porto, lost spirits on the cobblestone streets of Elvas, scars on my rib cage from the rocks of Sintra, wounds on my heart from resisting love’s invitation too many times to tell.

So many lives lived in such a short period of time. All contained in a memory of my mind.

The dream that is your life, the coming and going of your imagination..

One of my great curiosities in life is how one moment in time you don’t know a person, then you meet them, then you become friends, lovers, whatever the case maybe, a delineation in time.

Once your life was empty of this person and now they are a member of your memory, a part of your dream.

What a strange affair it is, to never have known a person, then to suddenly know them.

I tell you it is the strangest occurrence, if you take a moment to sit with it, to view a time before and a time after meeting whomever it may be.

What a dream.

There are times in my life when I try to reconcile my suffering, my confusion, when I seek to remove one way of being and to replace it with another, but that is a trick.

Off in the distance on the second level of the small port building 65 meters in front of me an old man just took a pee on the wall. Yesterday ten or so imported workers were sitting in that same spot in the morning. Later that afternoon a gypsy woman walked out of the same location.

And just now Jimmy the dog of the docks showed up at the cafe looking for a taste of something.

Life unfolds all around us all the time, even when alone in the nothingness of it all, even while writing in a café near a marina.

And so that mind of mine that wishes things were different, comes up with nonsense ideas to try to convince me it knows what we should be doing or what we should do next.

It is the most curious relationship you will ever have and that is the one with yourself and particularly with your own mind.

This may seem sideways as I say it, but the voice that tortures you is the same voice that tries to convince you it knows what you should be doing next, offering a remedy to the torturing thought that it is dragging you through.

That voice and I have been traveling together for however long we have been discussing life’s affairs.

So here we sit at a cafe in a gorgeous land, with an incredible view amongst so many lives being lived, doing the greatest work one can ever do for themselves, seeing through the mind’s lies.

There is no solution to life because life is beyond solutions and solving.

There’s simply an unfolding of experience and our relationship to it.

And yet…

I’ll save that for the next time I write to you.

Emeric

p.s. It’s been a while since I have shared with you. How are you doing?

p.p.s. I imagine you’ve lived through 1001 stories of your own, mysteries, absurdities, and such. I imagine you’ve come to a point in life that you too have realized that you are in a relationship with everything around you, including your relationship to your relationships.

Recently I put together the best material I have to take people through the experience of relating to the world in a way that is liberating and transformative and as true as one can tell. You can read more about it below.

It’s mostly nonsense yet it is somehow very true.

You can explore it here, my unfinished every growing masterpiece called Love Cheese and The Relationship Romp

Also, you can find a picture of Jimmy dog of the docks here

p.p.s. If I ever get married or choose to have a lifelong partner or a short term partner, if I ever meet anyone who has trouble relating to other people, including their parents or children even if those children are adults, I would want them to go through the program I created, called the relationships romp and love cheese.

Actually if you are an adult or some semblance of an adult human being, I want you to go through Love Cheese and the Relationships Romp, because I am biased and I want more people in the world to understand their own innate incredible nature.

I can’t guarantee anything, but I think it will bring a lot of joy and awareness to your life and it will certainly bring more beauty to any and every relationship you have. But that is my opinion.

You can get it here within 10 minutes.

It’s not for everyone.

It’s opinionated, expensive ($370), and not backed by science or any expert opinion.

In fact it is almost 100% based on 50 years of me being alive and being a troublemaker.

However…

My experience is based on observations and truths that have been verified in conversation with too many people. I converse with everyone, and sometimes I get paid very well to do so.

But like I said. I guarantee nothing and I have a zero refund policy. Because I don’t like taking responsibility for things not working out well for other people. It’s your life! I trust you!

So, If you have 15 minutes a week and are bored and a bit lonely, then you will enjoy what I have for you.

Go here and in 10 minutes you will be on your way…

www.EmericDamian.com/Love-Romp

Finally…

I wrote a short story of a kind. My friends have been asking me to publish more of my material. I write every day. Anyways, if you would like to read it, reply to this message and I will send you a link to read it.



Café Spot Diving
Sesimbra Portugal
24th July 2024,

Jimmy The Dog Of The Docks

Dear Love,

It’s noon and I sit in the diving mecca of Sesimbra, near the docks.

Tuesday and life is calm, after the weekend rush, a Monday and Tuesday feel like a Holiday from people.

Local characters sip coffee, fishermen unravel their lines from a night of fishing. Here in Portugal the fresh markets for fish are closed on Mondays because the fishermen are blessing the ocean with a day off.

That is a testament to the Portuguese and their love for the waters.

Of course I don’t mean to romanticize the Portuguese, because the same mass consumption of poor quality items exists here. In the big markets you can find everything all day everyday, even ‘fresh’ fish.

Nonetheless…

The traditions that live in the villages of Portugal and throughout spots in the cities mean so much to me.

Sometimes I think humans work so not to be alone, so to be with other human animals. That there is an exchange of money and time aren’t the necessity of life but a secondary reason for working..

Look at us humans with our need for relationships…

Searching…

8 years ago, at 3 a.m. in the morning, after a month and a half of visiting a friend in Portland Oregon, after moving around the west coast of the U.S. for some time, my heart hollered at me, “Go”.

Go where?

“Just go and let the rest unfold as it may.  Pure unknowing…”

I packed my bag and took an Uber to the airport. The Uber driver with dreadlocks and electric music dripping through the windows picked me up and we were off, my heart and I.

No ticket, no destination, no idea…

It’s been 8 years this September that I have been in Portugal. Still without a knowing, still watching the unfolding, still participating in a life that feels so foreign and yet present.

I left my mind here and there in random places in Portugal, let it roam and experience other parts of my being, aspects of a self that would stay quiet, whispering in the background of my existence.

So many dreams have come and gone, many relationships, pleasant and confused, experiences of wild evenings on the streets of Porto, lost spirits on the cobblestone streets of Elvas, scars on my rib cage from the rocks of Sintra, wounds on my heart from resisting love’s invitation too many times to tell.

So many lives lived in such a short period of time. All contained in a memory of my mind.

The dream that is your life, the coming and going of your imagination..

One of my great curiosities in life is how one moment in time you don’t know a person, then you meet them, then you become friends, lovers, whatever the case maybe, a delineation in time.

Once your life was empty of this person and now they are a member of your memory, a part of your dream.

What a strange affair it is, to never have known a person, then to suddenly know them.

I tell you it is the strangest occurrence, if you take a moment to sit with it, to view a time before and a time after meeting whomever it may be.

What a dream.

There are times in my life when I try to reconcile my suffering, my confusion, when I seek to remove one way of being and to replace it with another, but that is a trick.

Off in the distance on the second level of the small port building 65 meters in front of me an old man just took a pee on the wall. Yesterday ten or so imported workers were sitting in that same spot in the morning. Later that afternoon a gypsy woman walked out of the same location.

And just now Jimmy the dog of the docks showed up at the cafe looking for a taste of something.

Life unfolds all around us all the time, even when alone in the nothingness of it all, even while writing in a café near a marina.

And so that mind of mine that wishes things were different, comes up with nonsense ideas to try to convince me it knows what we should be doing or what we should do next.

It is the most curious relationship you will ever have and that is the one with yourself and particularly with your own mind.

This may seem sideways as I say it, but the voice that tortures you is the same voice that tries to convince you it knows what you should be doing next, offering a remedy to the torturing thought that it is dragging you through.

That voice and I have been traveling together for however long we have been discussing life’s affairs.

So here we sit at a cafe in a gorgeous land, with an incredible view amongst so many lives being lived, doing the greatest work one can ever do for themselves, seeing through the mind’s lies.

There is no solution to life because life is beyond solutions and solving.

There’s simply an unfolding of experience and our relationship to it.

And yet…

I’ll save that for the next time I write to you.

Emeric

p.s. It’s been a while since I have shared with you. How are you doing?

p.p.s. I imagine you’ve lived through 1001 stories of your own, mysteries, absurdities, and such. I imagine you’ve come to a point in life that you too have realized that you are in a relationship with everything around you, including your relationship to your relationships.

Recently I put together the best material I have to take people through the experience of relating to the world in a way that is liberating and transformative and as true as one can tell. You can read more about it below.

It’s mostly nonsense yet it is somehow very true.

You can explore it here, my unfinished every growing masterpiece called Love Cheese and The Relationship Romp

Also, you can find a picture of Jimmy dog of the docks here…

 

p.p.s. If I ever get married or choose to have a lifelong partner or a short term partner, if I ever meet anyone who has trouble relating to other people, including their parents or children even if those children are adults, I would want them to go through the program I created, called the relationships romp and love cheese.

Actually if you are an adult or some semblance of an adult human being, I want you to go through Love Cheese and the Relationships Romp, because I am biased and I want more people in the world to understand their own innate incredible nature.

I can’t guarantee anything, but I think it will bring a lot of joy and awareness to your life and it will certainly bring more beauty to any and every relationship you have. But that is my opinion.

You can get it here within 10 minutes.

It’s not for everyone.

It’s opinionated, expensive ($370), and not backed by science or any expert opinion.

In fact it is almost 100% based on 50 years of me being alive and being a troublemaker.

However…

My experience is based on observations and truths that have been verified in conversation with too many people. I converse with everyone, and sometimes I get paid very well to do so.

But like I said. I guarantee nothing and I have a zero refund policy. Because I don’t like taking responsibility for things not working out well for other people. It’s your life! I trust you!

So, If you have 15 minutes a week and are bored and a bit lonely, then you will enjoy what I have for you.

Go here and in 10 minutes you will be on your way…

www.EmericDamian.com/Love-Romp

Finally…

I wrote a short story of a kind. My friends have been asking me to publish more of my material. I write every day. Anyways, if you would like to read it, reply to this message and I will send you a link to read it.

 

“Alienation is the human condition, love the human necessity”, said the professor.

His tone was sincere, his eyes focused on the truth.

It was the first day of class and my 22 year old mind was in a puddle of anxiety after hearing those words.

You feel it in your entire being when a truth hits you; it is disturbing to your existence.

I dropped the class.

Perhaps it was that same semester, when I found myself in an auditorium, a different professor began to speak with silence. He pushed play and the auditorium filled in its entirety with classical music, with an immensity I have never experienced.

For a few short minutes my entire being was overwhelmed with wonder, with intensity, with emotion.

The acoustics were glorious. The professor passionate. The feelings, were undoing me.

I dropped that class too.

You might be inclined to think that it is such a simple thing to sit in a classroom and participate in the conversation about this or that.

You would be right.

But we weren’t talking about this or that.

You are looking at yourself without being told you are looking at yourself.

You are confronting your discomfort with being.

You are engaged in an intense emotional unraveling with everything you believed yourself to be.

It feels as good as it is frightening, to see yourself stripped of everything that gets in the way of you experiencing yourself for who and what you are.

And to do so with a pure, unperturbed, conscious awareness…

The rapture has begun.

Now…

I don’t know what would have happened if I stayed in those two classes. But what happened, happened.

Life itself was going to work on me, clearing out all the self-deceit, the internal niceties and superficialities.

It was going to force me to confront its power. It was coming for me.

And privately, I wanted it.

Just as you wanted it; just as you want it, even if you don’t realize it.

It is what you want.

Intimacy with the life force.

I will say more this week.

Emeric

www.EmericDamian.com ( share if you wish )

“Alienation is the human condition, love the human necessity”, said the professor.

His tone was sincere, his eyes focused on the truth.

It was the first day of class and my 22 year old mind was in a puddle of anxiety after hearing those words.

You feel it in your entire being when a truth hits you; it is disturbing to your existence.

I dropped the class.

Perhaps it was that same semester, when I found myself in an auditorium, a different professor began to speak with silence. He pushed play and the auditorium filled in its entirety with classical music, with an immensity I have never experienced.

For a few short minutes my entire being was overwhelmed with wonder, with intensity, with emotion.

The acoustics were glorious. The professor passionate. The feelings, were undoing me.

I dropped that class too.

You might be inclined to think that it is such a simple thing to sit in a classroom and participate in the conversation about this or that.

You would be right.

But we weren’t talking about this or that.

You are looking at yourself without being told you are looking at yourself.

You are confronting your discomfort with being.

You are engaged in an intense emotional unraveling with everything you believed yourself to be.

It feels as good as it is frightening, to see yourself stripped of everything that gets in the way of you experiencing yourself for who and what you are.

And to do so with a pure, unperturbed, conscious awareness…

The rapture has begun.

Now…

I don’t know what would have happened if I stayed in those two classes. But what happened, happened.

Life itself was going to work on me, clearing out all the self-deceit, the internal niceties and superficialities.

It was going to force me to confront its power. It was coming for me.

And privately, I wanted it.

Just as you wanted it; just as you want it, even if you don’t realize it.

It is what you want.

Intimacy with the life force.

I will say more this week.

Emeric

www.EmericDamian.com ( share if you wish )